Trigger warning: This post discusses anxiety and mentions depression.
I was hesitate to write a post about my experience being furloughed, that it took me nearly two months to write the post!
Every time I write the word ‘diary’, I always sing in my head the song ‘Diary’ by Alicia Keys-sounding like Alicia in my head but sounding like an elderly, distressed cat when I open my mouth. I am on furlough (if you have not notice from the title) and today marks exactly 3 months since I have been furloughed. 3 MONTHS !!! *Insert deep exhale* What can I say ? First things first, I am blessed as my immediate family is safe and healthy and during this pandemic, I have received 80% of my monthly salary due to the furlough scheme. *Insert praise break* Things could have been a lot worse.
For a twenty something year old, the initial idea of being paid 80% of your salary while not actually working sounds like a dream. You can do all the things you have wanted to do like learn a new skill, finish that Netflix series and watch 20 more, binge eat on your favourite snacks and finally finish that book you bought last year. And the most important of all-you can wake up as late as you want (I am slowly trying to get back a decent bedtime routine).
While all that sounds fun, nothing could prepare me for the mental roller-coaster ahead…
I love outdoors, ever since I was a child. The park is my favourite place to go, especially in summer. I love the swings (Yes at my big age). The thought of being told to that I could only go out for a short walk, did not make me want to run outside and walk every day. Instead, I wanted to stay inside and have my room window closed.
Before the pandemic, I knew what anxiety was and I had sympathised with people who suffered or experienced anxiety regularly. I am not one to self-diagnose but the feelings I felt during the pandemic, could only be describe as anxiety. Panic attacks, chest pains, stomach pains, sweats and my mind racing to a point I felt had no return. I have been worried many times in my life but being busy deceived me to think that I had everything under control. The anxiety I experienced bought demotivation (which I am working on even to this day), being very defensive, trouble sleeping and crying every other day, if not every day. Writing this post now, it may have been depression too. It felt like I did not know who I was. It was more than not celebrating my mom’s 60th in style, it more than not going shopping to raid the charity shops and the sale racks- it was the fear of not knowing what the future holds.
Before the pandemic, I did not have a crystal ball, but I was making moves and things were up and running. In personal life, there was (and still is) stressful things going on-which would make anyone concerned, but during the lockdown my mind went into a spiral of worst-case scenarios for everything. Heart palpitations and tension headaches from imagining the worst-case scenario- ‘What if I lose everything ?’ It is not like I have a lot, but it is a lot to me. The thought of sleeping on the streets with no job and worst of all, having my family to experience that too- I was a wreck. Unfortunately, the sad truth is that this is some people’s reality in the UK!
Last week, I realised uncertainty is a trigger for me. The hardships I have faced in my life made me feel uncertain. However, before the pandemic, I was busy (or a busy body) therefore I did not dwell on the fear of uncertainty for too long because there was always something to do (or I was always doing something).
Lockdown has saved many lives but even with WhatsApp, Facebook and our beloved friend Zoom (NB: The video call function on Microsoft Teams is not my friend), lockdown made it so easy to isolate yourself from friends and family. Uncertainty is part of life and I am taking each day as it comes.
Being on furlough, opened my eyes to my flaws; I knew I had flaws but being somewhat of a- know -it- all, I perceived my flaws as minor. I realised my life revolved around work. Although I thought I had a life outside of work, unconsciously I defined myself through my work because I was doing something. I would be lying to you, if I said I did not take being on furlough personal. I took it very personal! Even though I knew it wasn’t, given the whole world was put on pause.
I thought about my clients-as I knew they were obviously thinking about me. All jokes aside, I did think about my clients, especially my vulnerable clients. I pride myself on being a relatable fee earner who genuinely wants to help people and see people win. I believe I give a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’ that makes my clients feel comfortable (sometimes too comfortable as they can over share), but they know I have their back. In the consultation rooms, there were laughs, tears, gifts, and frustration. If you are wondering, my vulnerable clients were passed on to another un-furloughed fee earner.
I have seen a lot of sadness during the pandemic, but I am seeing hope now. You remember when celebrities like Patti LaBelle were singing ‘He got the whole world in his hands’? Well, God does, and he has got the future in His hands.
Gods ask us to trust, rely on and depend on Him with all our heart and lead not to our own understanding. Surrendering all worries and anxiety to Him without focusing on what my eyes see and my ears hear-this is very hard for a busy body on furlough like me. But every day, I am working on giving it all to God because He is the reason I am still here.
No word yet as when I will be working part-time. I have not a clue what the future holds but I guess that is the beauty of life-it can change in an instant. If anyone ask, yes I have been doing training.
If you have been suffering from anxiety or feel like your mental health is deteriorating, I advise to you speak to a trusted friend/family member or seek a referral to a therapist. You are not alone. Our mind is our world.
Quick tips (which you can also implement after the pandemic is over)
- Have an uplifting playlist- songs that make you want to dance like from Earth, Wind and Fire to Bruno Mars. Do not, I repeat, do not fall into the trap of listening to sad songs when you are down;
- Have 15-20 mins each morning where you just sit or lie and do nothing before you start your day- yes I mean nothing, nada;
- Get some fresh air (Be safe and wear a mask while we are still in a pandemic)
- Exercise self-compassion- Be slow to put yourself down, but instead be kind to yourself;
- Talk, talk, talk- talk to someone you trust about your worries and fears. Anxiety thrives on silence and we do not want it thriving.
This post is dedicated to everyone we have lost during this pandemic whether from Covid-19 or other illnesses, domestic violence, gun and knife crime and police brutality.
I would also like to thank every single person who has continued to work during the pandemic whether at home, in the hospitals, in the farms, at the factories, on the shop floors, on our transport systems, on the helplines etc. Thank you.
To the people who have not been working during the pandemic, stay strong and be hopeful.
Fingers crossed, I will be back soon with another blog post about being back to work
Thank you for reading!
Anonymous Fee Earner x
This post was first published on 01 July 2020 but has since been updated.
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